I am writing this blog entry to remind me why I am going to have my surgery. I know that I will probably be in unbelievable pain after my cervical spine surgery and question why I did it. This is to remind me why. For those who are reading this, this also might explain why I am going through this surgery when there are no guarantees that it will work.
A typical day starts with a migraine head ache also extreme lethargy and arm pain. If I am able to take pain meds in the morning, the day is much better. However, most of the time I have to wait until the evening to take the medicine because I have to drive the kids to their doctor appointments and activities. My husband tries to help, but he is extremely busy with work and does travel frequently.
For days like this one, I was not able to treat my pain until 5 PM. By then, I was ready to chew off my arms because they ached so badly. I also had such a headache that I could not see clearly. The muscles around my throat were so tight, it made it difficult to swallow and I frequently choked on my own saliva.
Today the pain was not only in my neck, arms and head, but also in my lower back and hips. I am not sure why I am in so much pain today. It was probably because I had to lift Erica yesterday when I took her to get a cast on her ankle.
I am also feeling pretty useless at this point. I cannot remember simple things or big things that are important. The other day I could not figure out which arrow to hit to rewind a movie. I am forgetting names of people and have been forgetting whole conversations that I have with people. I repeat myself or I forget to tell others what is going on.
At night when I do try to go to sleep, I am awaken because I am choking. There are times when I sleep and when I am awake that I cannot swallow. Sometimes it is due to the bones in my neck that are pushing forward making it impossible to swallow. Then there are times that my brain just cannot remember how to swallow. It is a very strange feeling. I use a C pap machine, but it does not help all of the time.
I was hospitalized for this a couple of months ago because the doctors were concerned that the lesion in my brain stem might have something to do with the swallowing issue, but the lesion is the same size as it was before my C1-C2 fusion in January.
I cannot hold my arms out for any length of time without experiencing severe pain. I also cannot lift anything heavier than a half gallon of milk to pour a glass. It is difficult to load and unload the laundry. Folding is nearly impossible as are doing the dishes.
I feel like I am pretty useless right now and I wanted to remind myself about this feeling so I can remember why I had the surgery.
I spoke to the anaesthesiologist department at The Christ Hospital and explained my condition and surgery. I wanted them to know ahead of time so there was not a repeat of what my mom went through last year. The doctor at the other end of the phone was very understanding and appreciated the advanced warning. He told me that he was going to recommend that I go to ICU at least for the first night to help me recover.
Right now I am getting a little scared and starting to second guess this surgery. I know that this is needed and it will hopefully help me with much of my pain. I also know that this puts me at greater risk of more spinal surgeries.
I don't see how I have much of a choice. I cannot sleep, eat or do daily activities as it is right now. The surgery at least offers a little hope to the situation. I believe that this is the path that God has set me to travel on and I try not to question, but I am human.
I am also motivated by the fact that the doctors said that this surgery is "inedible" for Erica down the road. If she has the surgery before the age of 13, it will be another history making surgery. It is awful to realize that your baby knows the type of extreme pain you are going through and knowing that no one wants to do anything about it because is had not been done before.
When my daughter looks me in the eye and says that I can't do anything about her pain and that she can't wait to go to Heaven because then her pain will be over is almost more than I can bear.
I know that God's timing is perfect and His ways are not our ways. I also know He arrives right on time. So I have to trust that he will not leave my baby in pain any longer than she has to be.
As her earthly mother, it is difficult to watch your children suffer pain and have no way to get them out of it. I know their Heavenly Father sees their pain, but allows it for a purpose that is hidden from us right now. I also believe that this purpose will be reviled to us when we reach our final destination.
This is all scary as I am not sure why God allows all of this to happen to our family, but I do know that we have been richly blessed in so many ways. We have a great family and wonderful circle of friends as well as the peace in our hearts that God knew what he was doing when he gave this suffering to endure. if this brings us closer to Him and His ways, I cannot count it for bad.
I also know that He will eventually pull us out of this storm so we will be able to sing of His glory and redeeming grace for ever.
