I Give Up

But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it-you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked-well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God.  Sheer gift. (Message Bible Romans 4:5)

I realized this truth as I lay in a crumpled mess on the floor.  It was after a day of doctor appointments that seemed to take a microscope and examine every decision I have made as a mother and called it wrong.  It was after praying with my little one and asking, yet again for relief from pain.

"I can't do it!  I can't handle their pain because I am useless to do anything about it!"  I felt I had done some many things wrong.  Here now all of my children were on some sort of medication to help them with their anxiety.  Are we not a Christian Family?  Isn't faith in Christ supposed to take care of at least the worry?  My anger bubbled over into a tantrum for all to see.

The next day I saw Joyce Meyer imitating me.  She was on stage acting just like I had acted the night before, "Oh God I can't do it anymore.  I just quit!  It is too much!"  Her answer from the Holy Spirit was "Finally I can get to work!"

I have been so busy doing all the things that I should have left to God to handle.  I am not in he business of healing, but He is.  I cannot quite anxiety, but He can.  I was not a failure, I just was not allowing God to do His job.  He was the perfect gentleman and let me try.  When I gave up, He got to work.

I know I have written on the is subject before regarding not worshiping the medical community as idols.  Not putting all of our trust in another man made from dust instead of the one that made us all.  Apparently I am a slow learner and I forget.

It is very difficult to parent children with chronic pain.  It is a parents nightmare to feel helpless as your child suffers.  But placing that child in the arms of God, is the best we can do.  Trust in Him that He will work our all things for good for those who love him. 

What is Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

Weather the Storm

I am overwhelmed again by the Love that God has for me and my family.  When we love others, God abides.  It is so hard right now to feel anything but pure joy that there is a God and He loves me, but just 24 hours ago it was difficult to remember that fact.  I was reminded in a passage written in Forward Day By Day meditations for Monday June 18th:

The temptation pain brings is to withdraw in self-pity, to a cynicism which becomes impenetrable and sovereign. Flannery O’Conner writes that our age “at its worst…has domesticated despair and learned to live with it happily.”

But no. Here’s the turn: “I will remember the works of the Lord, and call to mind your wonders from of old.” Can you begin to remember how good God has been to you? Remember. Even in the swirling terror of a thunderstorm God is working the night shift. Whether we can see him in the dark or not, he can see us. He is leading us through the sea, making a path through the great waters—silently transforming us in the pain, even though his footsteps are not seen. Praise him!

I was in the middle of pain that made me panic.  No relief in sight; thinking that if I went to hell this is what it would feel like and never end.  Through that storm God helped me remember the blessings that are all around me.  Blessings that drip from the ceiling!  So many I cannot begin to count them.  Just to give you and example of some of today's blessings:  Our church family is bringing dinner; the girl's helper from the county is able to stay longer since Church is at work; a call out of the blue from my father helped resolve a problem with getting to doctor appts for the kids tomorrow, my son stopped in my room to tell me he loves me; Friday a cleaning crew is coming to our house which is provided by friends that moved to Switzerland!  It goes on and on.

If He is there in the blessings He is even more present in the storm.  God give me the faith and endurance to weather this storm.

May peace and blessings be with all that have prayed for us and helped support us.  Truly there is nothing in our lives that cannot be directly traced to God grace.

Where is the Outrage?

I just helped Erica write a letter to Mrs. Obama.  She wants the most powerful mom to help her out of pain.  She explained that her life was in danger and she is in pain every day.  What I think does not make sense to her is the fact that the world sits back and does nothing to get rid of Ehlers-Danlos.  Where is the outrage?!! She is a little girl and she is not alone.

She said that she was inspired by the story of Esther.  She was in a play last week about how one woman saved a nation.  She is one kid who wants to save her family and others like her.  Please pray that Mrs. Obama responds.

Meditations on Psalm 55

Psalm 55 speaks the words of my heart:

"I am frightened inside;
the terror of death has attacked me.
I am scared and shaking,
and terror grips me.
I said, 'I wish I had wings like a dove.
Then I would fly away and rest.
I would wander far away
and stay in the desert.
I would hurry to my place of escape,
far away from the wind and the storm.

But later in the same psalm, God promises this:

"Give your worries to the Lord,
and He will take care of you."

I give you my worries Lord.  They are too big and difficult for me.  Take my worries about my pain after surgery without pain medication.  Take my worries about my children and husband during my recuperation.  You need to help me in a big way, realize that Erica is fine and pursuing other medical opinions is futile.  The worry about her having a stroke needs to set with you, not me.  Take that heartbreak I see in my children's eyes, though they don't speak about it.  Take my worry about how my body with react on the operating table.  Help me be the kind of mom that CJ needs as he struggles with his anxieties.  Give me the words to say to him that shows love, yet boundaries.  God, you can also take my frustration over my loss of control.  I need a dose of understanding and clarity in dealing with Elizabeth's recent maturity.  Help me keep her safe.  You are in control, not me.  Let me find Joy in the midst of chaos.  Take away my confused thoughts.  Give me discernment and faith to do only those things You tell me to do.  Let me be a mirror that reflects the light of your love in all I do.  Lord, you know that I cannot do these things on my own.  Help me cast off my desires and wants and pick up your mantel.

God thank you so much for the blessings in my life.  Please help me to not look at my blessings and curses.  I thank you for a husband that is kind, understanding, hard working, even tempered, smart, caring, and the best person I know.  Blessed am I to have 3 amazing children.  Help me to be the best mom possible, but not take on things that are not in Your plan.  I thank you for the prayers that are said for our family.  Not enough thanks could be said for the many people that worked to modify our house.  It is a constant reminder of Your supply. I thank you for the Driscoll Family.  Even though they live in Switzerland, they still send money to a cleaning company so our house is cleaned once every two weeks!  You have shown so much of Your love to us that it is a sin to think that You would not answer our prayers now. 

I am not God (thank God).  I don't understand His ways, but He does promise that He will work all things out for good for those that love Him.  We receive your healing, protection, clarity, peace and joy only through Your grace.  Thank you Abba!